Rob says the lawn mower part doesn’t apply, but he wishes it did. That lawn mower is sweeet!

So, Maddie kept trying to tell me something, and I could NOT figure out what she was saying, so in the mean time while I was trying to listen and figure it out, I decided to film her while she explained it to me. Here is 1 minute and 12 seconds of my potty mouth daughter. I did finally figure out what she was saying at the end of the video.

The other night I was reading my scriptures and came across this scripture and thought of you.   1 Nephi 14:11 –

” And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the whore of all the earth,

and she sat upon many waters; and she had dominion over all the earth,

among all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people.”

Retaliate in any way you see fit.

Love,

Joanie

(that “Evian, Live Young” at the end is kind of creepy sounding)

(Cock : the adult male of the domestic chicken)

My son’s hair was getting too long so I decided to cut it. Turns out I suddenly wanted to give him a Mohawk………so I did.  It turned out a lil crooked but it was still soooo cute! Then I got sick of it’s crookedness and decided to ditch the “hawk”. I then had another great idea, which was to shave an “N” onto the side of his head. THAT….did not work out so hot, so without thinking, I decided to just even that out but I had NO guards on the trimmers anymore so now my kid looks like a leukemia patient….or Lex Luther, take your pick.

THIS….is what happens when Mommy is bored, and your head is a blank canvas! I drew the Chick-fil-A logo on his head to match his Chick-fil-A shirt!  Probably not the best idea to do something like this the day before church though!

Required Materials:

12 Cans of silly string
12 Scotch water-resistant packages
15 Post-It notes (in case you mess up 3 times)
1 Sharpie
1 Clipboard
…..I can’t remember what else.

Step 1

Pick an office in which you already magically know the names of several employees……

Step 2

Purchase yourself some quality silly string and packages…..

Step 3

Whip out your post-it notes and write something cleverly relevant and attach to each can of silly string (“Do it! You know you want to”)…..

Step 4

Write out the names and address on all packages (If you mess up here, come up with a way to fix it with your wit and brawn). Next come up with a clever return address that won’t make you look suspicious (this is key, people).

Step 5

Print off a signature sheet.  Make sure it looks official! (or you may not fool the receptionist)  Find your most UPS’y outfit and put it on.  Look as official as possible.  I can not stress this enough!

Step 6

Gather up all your packages to deliver.  Sign a few names on your signature sheet, so it looks like you had other deliveries…..Official!  Deliver the packages, and make sure to get the receptionist to sign off on your official clipboard. (When asked where these packages are from when you’re about to leave, hurry and blurt out the first company that comes to your mind (perfect example:  Spring At&t )

And there you have it folks. 6 easy steps. The end.

Yesterday I was driving away from my bank and was passing a homeless guy and thought, shucks! the light’s green I can’t give this guy 5 bucks….so I had a thought go through my mind and decided to share it on twitter. Here’s the “tweet”:

“Have U ever made a paper plane out of a $5 bill & thrown it out ur car window while passing a homeless guy? Me neither but I’ve thought about it.”

Anyway, so today I was by my bank again and there was a black homeless guy sitting in the same place. I could have sworn he was white yesterday but whatever. So I got an extra 5 dollars out of my bank and pulled over and made a paper airplane out of it. Then I drove over to the homeless guy, named Robert and asked him if I could get a picture with him. We took like 7. Had to be somewhat decent right? Anyway, I gave him the $5 plane (Sorry, white guy. You picked the wrong corner today) and asked if he minded if I posted the picture on my blog. He said he didn’t mind, and I gave him the blog url so he could see it if he ever had internet access….I hope he doesn’t pretend like he never gave me permission and then sue me. (Robert, if you’re reading this, that was a joke, you can’t actually sue me for this. That never happens….ever! I have no money)

Anyway, Robert and his wife need a place to stay. If you know of a place they can stay, he can usually be found on the corner of University Ave and…..across from the Provo Mall, by Chase and McDonalds.

(……..Ok, yes. My kids were in the car waiting for Mom to get done taking pics with a homeless guy.  Is that bad?)

But seriously, I am writing this because Jones swears she’s gonna do it if I don’t at least make a blog entry about our planning session.

Earlier tonight, in the middle of our date, Jones quite randomly said, “What if you had a paraplegic friend… and you took a permanent marker and colored their foot black while they were sleeping?”

Me: That’s horrible. Why would you do that?

Jones: Cause they couldn’t feel it and it’d be funny when they woke up.

Though I hardly see the humor in this I still laughed at the thought process that must have been going through her head to ask this question.

Me: Well… it’s mean to do that to somebody who’s paralyzed. It’d only be funny to do that to a friend while they were asleep.

Jones: We could do it to JOSH!

Me: (while still laughing at Jones’ thought process and then picturing myself pointing a finger of scorn at Josh’s black foot) I’d be like, HA HA! We date rape drugged you!!!

Jones: OH, that’s a good idea, we should do that! That’d be the best “Remember the time” story ever!

Me: Uh, nah babe, date rape drugs are dangerous.

Jones: What else could we do to knock him out?

Me: …uh…. We could make him inhale ammonia really quickly… and just be like… “Seriously Josh, take a huge breath of this really quickly… it makes you light headed.”

(Keep in mind, I’m joking…. Jones is plotting)

Jones: OH, like what they do with a wet cloth in movies? That’s safe. We should do that.

Me: (now somewhat concerned) …ummm….no babe, that’d probably make him wake up with a huge headache. I mean, maybe something like a sleep aid if I was a pharmacist or an anesthesiologist, but otherwise I don’t think it’d be safe. I mean what if we did something wrong and gave him brain damage.

Jones: I think we should do the ammonia thing.

Me: (now laughing again) So you don’t care about giving him the headache?

Jones: He deserves it for all of the pranks he’s pulled on others.

Me: No babe, If he fell asleep then maybe, but otherwise we’re not doing this.

Jones: I’m still doing it.

Me: No… don’t… but you should blog about it.

Jones: You should blog about it.

Me: NO

Jones: I’m still gonna do it unless you blog about it.

… So Josh… you owe me one man… I mean, I may have just saved you from brain damage… or at least a very bad headache and a black foot. (maybe even a penis drawn on your face… that made it’s way into the conversation somehow.. but I don’t remember when)